Suggestions for Michael Moore and Others for 2005

CHRONWATCH.COM says they "received this in our e-mail pile without any indication of who wrote it. It was so good, we decided to post it anyway." I like it a lot, too.

To Michael Moore: Sit down and shut up. Your fifteen minutes are up. And do something about your hair. Looks can be deceiving, but not in your case...

To Jimmy Carter: Big mistake to sit down next to Michael Moore at the convention. Spend more time with drywall and the glue gun. Or start lusting in your heart again.

To Tom Daschle: If you lean too far to the left, voters will tend to lean right for a while, but will eventually push you out of the boat.

To Al Gore: Please, sir, before it's too late: seek an experienced mental health professional. You're beginning to make Christopher Lloyd in "Back To The Future" look normal.

To Dan Rather: Enjoy your early retirement. The next memo you get will be real.

To the DNC: Your platform must not have lurched far enough to the left. Keep it tilting southpaw. Read more Marx. P.S. Keep insulting the voters with your moral and intellectual condescension too. It goes well with that warp-speed registering of folks in plaid wool blankets pushing shopping carts. Lovely constituency.

To Bill Clinton: Thanks for hitting the campaign trail for Kerry. Some of us needed a reminder of what we were trying to avoid.

To Hillary Clinton: PLEASE run in '08. The Heartland will be hungry for more hors d'oeuvres by then.

To John "Breck Girl" Edwards: Can you help Michael Moore and Whoopi Goldberg with a little basic grooming?

To Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, Bono, etc.: A few of us still like your music, but if you ever want to sell another record, just sing and don't go where you don't know. We don't pay to hear Don Rumsfeld do air guitar either.

To George Soros: Want to buy an election? Not in "MY" America, you monomaniacal, socialistic buffoon.

To the Mainstream Media: Congratulations on getting Kerry at least thirty more electoral votes than he would have gotten without your covert support Imagine how badly he would have lost if you were actually unbiased.

To the United Nations: Your worst nightmare will continue for another four years. Deal with it! "Oil for Food" will be your Waterloo,

To Howard "I Have A Scream" Dean: Stick with something you understand; like proctology, for instance.

To Richard Holbrooke: Learn to tell a joke. Learn to laugh at one.

To John Zogby: Monster.com will post your resume.

To Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman, Robert Scheer, and your minor league imitators, Greg Plast and Mark Morford: You have no readers in the red states.

To Teddy Kennedy: Sigh, it's still the blonde in the pond who leads your highlight reel.

To Ron Reagan "Junior": Do you have talent for anything, other than narrating dog shows?

To the Exit Pollsters: As long as you keep skewing the results in an attempt to influence the election, we'll keep lying to you. If you quit, so will we. Deal?

To Teresa HEINZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Kerry: Teaching is a REAL job! The Teachers Union, who supported your husband right up until you stepped in this one, can clarify any continuing confusion. Oh, and it's definitely NOT a "real job" to sleep with a third-generation ketchup heir and then cash the plane-crash check. See message for Michael Moore...

To the European Union: Sorry all the graft and corruption monies from Saddam have stopped coming in. Your pathetic economies will have to find some legitimate ways to prop up your socialist governments. Good luck with that...

To Terry McAuliffe: See message for Dan Rather. And pay a little attention to what Zell Miller reminds us of: 20 Democratic senators from the south in 1960 and only six from the GOP. Today, 22 Republicans and four Dems.You must be so proud!

To MoveOn.org: See message for George Soros.

To James Carville: You're the only guy who seems to get it; and you're very smart, even if you are obnoxious. Good luck finding an audience that's neither medicated nor mendacious.

And finally, to John Kerry: Thank you for your interest in national defense. And thank you for reporting for duty. You are hereby dismissed.