This has been going 'round the internet and I get a huge kick out of it. Wish the government WOULD sponsor a program like this!
The National Lark Program
This is an idea who's time has come!!
THE LARK PROGRAM
A Lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the
concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee
has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed
guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand
that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure
you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of
Ahmed - and remember..we'll be watching.
Cordially, your friend,